The Crappy Village
by ThePlotMurderers
Summary: Sequel to the Queer Academy. The Baudes are sent to a creepy guardian and are placed in a race against time to catch a crazed killer! Based on the Vile Village.
1. Chapter 1

The Crappy Village

Disclaimer: We own nothing...God, we have to do this all over again!

A/N: We're back! And better then ever, with Book 2 of a Series of Queer Events! For now it is just me, Plot Murderer #2 as Plot Murderer #1 is writing his Crossover! Enjoy our story and please R &R! {And to The Baudelaire Orphan, we're brothers, I, Ploot Murderer #2 am the eldest and Plot Murderer #1 is younger by three years. We don't have Facebook but we'll have it eventually!

Enjoy!

Chapter 1, A Place to Live {that's not infested with mimes}

It was snowing quite hard in Lemony Snicket Land and Violet Baudelaire could see from the window of Mr. Poe's office at Fatass Money Management in the city. She looked over at her twelve year old brother, Klaus {who everyone called Chubs} he was very fat and loved to read…though he had been reading less and less since the evil hellishness that had occurred only a week ago. Chubs had been wrenched from the love of his life…as had Violet, true in her case she had only just found out that she loved him when he was taken away…fourteen year old hearts where indeed the most drama filled and overreacting. Violet herself, found the sudden misfortune to be a damper to her inventing skills to. Her inventing skills, which were usually so avid and useful in a way similar to MacGyver {The loser!}. And then there was Sunny, little baby

Sunny who was no more then a year old! She had been betrayed by her lover who was very old in years and was probably the dictionary definition of the word 'pedophile', Sunny usually loved to bite things with her mutant sharp teeth…but since the betrayal she had been unable to bite a thing.

And then of course…in September…her parents had been murdered…murdered by the very man who had betrayed Sunny, who then kidnapped their only two friends and stole away another…but she would not speak the betrayer's name…suffice it to say it that he was referred to as He Who Must Not Be Named and anyone who spoke his real name would be killed in a way worse then Flinders Pietre the III {Whoever that isJ}!

And so it was that the three Baudelaire orphans were sitting and waiting for Mr. Poe to return with there fate in his big meaty hands.

"I'm back chillens!" Mr. Poe said jubilantly as he marched into the office, his arms full of papers and Nilla Wafers {YUM!}, Mr. Poe was an old family friend of the Baudes and was now in charge of them and their finding a home. "I have sniffed," here he sniffed the floor, "out several potential homes for you!"

"Oh, indeed!" said Chubs, "It would be nice to live in an actual home!"

"Grickshni!" exclaimed Sunny, which meant, "Yes, perhaps living somewhere would ease my mad lust to kill!" "Well now," continued Mr. Poe, "Here are your options, #1. Indian Island,"

"What the hell is that?" asked Violet, "It's a seaside resort where mass murder is committed every weekend."

They declined the first choice.

"#2. Santa's Workshop, now I know it's getting close to Christmas and…"

"NO!"

"NEVER!"

"POPSHI!"

"Very well then, there is one more option {cough, cough, and cough}," I forgot to mention, Mr. Poe has bronchitis or some other mucus related disease, "The third option is, the Asshat Village of Blackbirds AKA, AVB!"

"Asshat Village of Blackbirds?" asked Violet incredulously {J!}, "What kind of a name is that?"

Mr. Poe seemed affronted, "It's the name they chose, now there is {cougity, cough} a rich elderly woman who lives in that village who is your mother's sisters, cousins, doctors, wives…"

{Several hours later}

"…cousin third times removed! She's practically your mother!"

"Mmmm…sure," said Violet, "I guess that's where we're going then!" "I quite agree!" agreed Chubs, "Pinki!" which meant, "It's better then nothing!"

So, a few days later, Mr. Poe loaded his young friends and the crap ass ugly luggage that his equally fat wife had purchased for the Baudes, onto a small plane which was to take them high in the Dandruff Mountains where the village of AVB was located.

It was snowing quite hard and the passengers {which were just the Baudes and Mr. Poe} had to be wrapped in heavy coats made out of chicken. "Yum!" proclaimed Sunny, which meant, "These coats taste good!" "So," Violet began to Mr. Poe, "Is the AVB airport crowded this time of year?" To which Mr. Poe replied, "What airport?" The children looked at Mr. Poe with expressions of horror as it dawned on them. Presently, Mr. Poe gave each of the orphans a parachute and wished them, "Toodel-o!" "Wait!" shouted Chubs just as they were about to jump, "I need no parachute! For I have my trusty wusty umbrella!" he pulled out an umbrella and jumped out of the plane, "I always knew he was crazy," sighed Violet, "Well bye-bye!" yelled Mr. Poe as he pushed the two female Baudelaires out of the plane.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"BY JOVE!"

"SASHAFOONATA!"

The three children screamed horribly as they fell through the cold swirling snow…down to there new lives.

A/N: So how'd you like it? I know, I suck at first chapters but I think this one isn't so bad! Of course, that's up for YOU to decide! Chapter 2 coming soon!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2, This Place is Creepy!

Disclaimer: We don't own ASOUE or anything else included here...you know besides the plot twists and a few added charecters...well, you get the idea!

A/N: Thanks so much to Gypsy Rosalie, our first reviewer for the story...so good to see that you're still with us! Here we have chapter two, in which we are introduced to the Village of AVB...Asshat Village of Blackbirds...Enjoy!

Violet, Chubs, and Sunny landed on a set of hard paving stones, shortly afterwards, their suitcases came crashing down around them as well.

"What a marvelously strange place it is in which we find ourselves!" exclaimed Chubs, getting up and brushing the snow off of his plushy sweater {they had lost their chicken coats when they jumped out of the plane}. They all got up and looked around at their surroundings, the Asshat Village of Blackbirds was made up of cute Victorian Style Houses such as one sees in cheap sitcoms that are only humorous to people who actually find a little girl pointing out the poop she made in the potty cute {Sorry to anyone who actually likes the Brady Bunch, I'm just stating my opinion!}. Though the details of the village could not be easily seen because there were blackbirds perched on nearly every square inch…it was pretty scary to say the least, "Well, at least now we know why it's called the Asshat Village of Blackbirds." "Indeed." Agreed Chubs. The children appeared to be in the blackbird coated town square which was strangely deserted, "Shonkey!" said Sunny, which meant, "Where in the name of beef jerky is everyone?" Violet took the piece of paper Mr. Poe had given her out of her bra. "This says that we are to report to the Town Hall and strip for the villagers." "Very well then," began Chubs, "The Town Hall is right over there, let's be off!"

The children picked up their suitcases and picked their way carefully through the birds…trying very hard not to step on bird crap.

When the Baudelaire orphans entered the Town Hall they found out several things about their new home at once:

1. There was a strip club in the Town Hall.

2. There were a bunch of old people dancing around with dead blackbirds strapped to their heads.

3. The Town Hall smelled of sweat and poop.

As Violet closed the doors of the Town Hall behind them, the strip club activity ceased at once, the music was silenced, the strippers stopped their playful pole dancing, and everyone in the room turned to stare at them.

"Um…hello." Began Violet nervously, her brother though cut in, in a very loud voice that could be heard in Tokyo, "Greetings people of AVB! I am Klaus Baudelaire, but I must ask that you call me Chubs; these are my sisters, Violet and Sunny. I understand that we must strip for you…so crank up the music, DJ!" The music was turned back up and the strippers on the stage stepped down as Chubs led the Baudes on stage. "Um, Chubs…" Violet whispered nervously to her brother, "Now I know you've been stripping since you were two but we aren't that used to…"

"Silence sister!" Chubs hissed in a way similar to the Burmese Python, "We begin!" Chubs immediately removed his shirt revealing his many folds of chest flab, he began to pole dance gracefully as he sang, "If you like my body and you think I'm sexy…come on…come on…If you know you want me, and you've got to touch me…come on…come on…" Violet felt that she was expected to start as well and so she removed her dress revealing her black lingerie {for some reason everything she wore was black} and began to fluff her boobs. As for Sunny, she was expert, rolling around and removing her clothes as she did so. Eventually the entire populous of AVB were cheering, but rather then throwing money as is customary in most normal strip clubs, they threw M&M's, which Chubs immediately ate all of.

Now one of the old people with a dead blackbird strapped to his head stepped forward, "Greetings Baudelaires!" He exclaimed boisterously, "I am Lawrence Petrovich, president of the Council of Bird Carcass Elders. By way of your marvelous stripping skills, you have proven yourselves worthy of living in our Asshat Village of Blackbirds, may I introduce you to your new guardian, Miss Elmira Hickingsvill…but I can't because she never comes to our meetings and so isn't here right now, though her maid is here!" here, a young woman rose from where she had been sitting, she was wearing a black dress and a white apron and old fashioned maid's cap. "'Allo guvnors!" the maid screeched in a horrible old English accent {similar to Rubues Hagrid in Harry Potter} Ah'm Lettie McPhee, Madam Hickingsvill is at the manor, if you'd follow me I'll take ye to the 'ansom cab!" The children had no idea in hell what that freakizoid was saying, and so they had no choice but to follow her to their new home…

A/N: Okay! So now I've got Chapter 2 up, I can start working on Chapter 3! And that is where the adventure begins…

Update Coming Next Friday! :)


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3, Good Tidings We Bring…to Dancing Penguins!

Disclaimer: We own nothing...blah, blah, blah...

A/N: We'd like to thank Gypsy Rosalie and iluvsummer95 for reviewing! {Oh, and thank you to iluvsummer95 for suggesting that we do a Twilight parody! The moment I read that I had a sudden vision of Alice and Bella singing 'Popular' from Wicked!} Enjoy, folks!

The Baudes followed Lettie McPhee to the ''ansom cab' which turned out to be a horse and buggy, driven by a slobbering old man who is pointless and completely unimportant beyond this point. "Come now," barked Lettie to the children, "you'd best get inside or Missus will wright 'ave an 'eart attack!"

Translation: 'We had better get going or else your new guardian will have a heart attack!'

The children followed Lettie into the buggy and they took off.

"So," Violet began, in an attempt to break the awkward silence, "How far away does she live?" to which Lettie replied, "Oh, Madam Hickingsvill lives naught two miles out oof town!"

Translation: 'Oh, your new guardian lives two miles out of town.'

After 30 minutes of Lettie's annoying rambling, they arrived at their new home, a humegourious mansion, true it wasn't as big as the mansion the children had lived in with their parents, but it was big all the same…and in the falling snow it looked like one of those god-awful Hallmark Christmas cards.

"Out you get!" exclaimed Lettie as she pushed the children out of the buggy and into the snow. Lettie rang the doorbell {which sounded like the bloody and brutal screams of the dead} and the door was promptly opened by an extremely elderly butler.

"Ah!" said the butler in a dry, freaky voice, "You must be the Baudelaire orphans come to stay, I am the butler here at Crapshack Manor and my name is…"

"Rogers?" asked Violet.

"Alfred?" asked Chubs.

"Wadsworth?" asked Sunny. {No translation needed for that one}

"No!" the butler exclaimed riotously, "My name is Walcott! And I am badass in my own special way!"

The Baudes did not believe this comment and simply allowed themselves to be lead into the house which was beautiful in a 'I Am Henry the VIII' kind of way, and I say that because everything was big, ugly and overstuffed…just like Henry the VIII!

"May I present…" began Walcott, gesturing around like an idiot, "Madam Elmira Hickingsvill." The Baudes looked up to the top of the stairs where Walcott was pointing and saw an incredibly old woman…I mean seriously; she had to be like ninety or something! She had her white hair up in a bun and wore spectacles which might make you think, 'OMG! That's Aunt Josephine!' But it's not because this is a parody of Book 7 and Aunt Jo doesn't come in until Book 3 which we will parody at a later point in this series!

"Why hello, Baudelaires." Said Elmira Hickingsvill in a quiet voice, "I am Elmira Hickingsvill, you're neew {heh} guardian." She continued to slowly descend the stairs until she tripped and fell "_Oooooing" _and "_Wooooing" _down the stairs.

"Oh, my word!" exclaimed Chubs boisterously, "Is she quite alright?" "Ah, she'll be wright good and well in a minute!" exclaimed Lettie in her damn annoying voice, "This 'appens every day!"

Translation: 'Oh, she'll be fine shortly! This happens every day!'

"Yipshi!" said Sunny, which meant, "I have a feeling that I'm going to hate it here!"

"Well!" began Elmira as she hobbled to her feet, "Let's get your suitcases in the house! We have no time to lose! We must begin preparations for my Christmas Party next week!"

Violet was offended, to say the least, "So, you don't even bother to ask our names or anything like that?" to which Elmira replied, "Not at all! Now let's get moving!"

CUE RIDICULOUS CHRISTMAS MOVIE MONTAGE!

{The song 'Jingle Bell Rock' begins to play.'}

December 20th

Violet was stuck in the Parlor, helping Walcott put up the Christmas tree, "Now," began Walcott in a undeserved voice of authority, "I hear you invent things…so invent me a toaster that we can hang on the tree!"

"Of course…" Violet sighed, extremely pissed by his stupid 'bad ass' act.

December 21st

The next day Chubs was assigned to help Lettie drape some of those cheap plastic Christmas garlands on the stair railings and above the windows. "My goodness!" exclaimed Chubs, exhausted, "There is quite a good deal of this stuff!" To this, Lettie replied, "Well…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Translation: {No translation needed}

Lettie had tripped over the garland and was about to fall over the railing when…SUPER CHUBS SAVED THE DAY! He lunged forward and grabbed Lettie's hand, though her other hand was stretched toward the horse grooming kit on the little wall crevice. "Lettie…" groaned Chubs in a way that involved much groaning, "give me your other hand…I can't hold on." Lettie's feeble reply was, "Ah kin reach it…ah kin reach it…"

Translation: 'I can reach it…I can reach it…'

And so Lettie's hand slipped from Chubs' grasp and she fell screaming down to Elmira, whose lovely box of whale blubber {Eww!} cushioned her maid's fall. "Oh, well…" sighed Chubs, not much phased by what had just happened.

December 22nd

The next day {Again!J} Sunny was helping Crapshack Manor's enormous cook, Mabel Pierce bake Christmas cookies in the kitchen {I know Sunny doesn't develop cooking skills until the ninth book, but can't you cut me some slack?} "Now baby Sunny," Mrs. Pierce would say in her high pitched, squeaky voice, "If you would pass me some sugar I will bake the gingerbread cookies!" to which, Sunny would reply, "Argiv!" which meant, "I honestly want to eat you right now!"

December 23rd

Elmira was teaching the Baudes how to do the merry penguin dance.

"You do a little waddle…" Elmira sang as she waddled around the room, "You shake so you bobble…we let out a big squawk!" Then she squawked…but only Chubs joined her.

And the very next day was Christmas Eve…the day of the party!

A/N: So…um…is it good? Am I at all talented without Plot Murderer #1? Please tell me how you feel, as the real adventure begins in the next chapter!

Also, how would you guys feel if I started on a murder mystery fic? Perhaps something in the Clue or And Then There Were None Archives?

Update coming next Friday! :)


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4, God Rest Ye Merry Murderers…

Disclaimer: Nothing is ours but the storyline...you should know this by now!

A/N: We'd like to thank Gypsy Rosalie, iluvsummer95 and Carindalla for reviewing! A note, this will be our last update for a while as we are going to England for the summer {WOOT!} we'll be back in September full and ready! Now, to the story!

On the evening of the party, the children and their creepy old guardian were in the Lounge, waiting for the arrival of the guests. "Um…Aunt Elmira…" Violet asked tentatively, "It's like, a blizzard out there, wouldn't it be safer to just cancel the party?"

Elmira was shocked, "Cancel the Christmas Party? My dear girl are you on crack?"

"Actually," began Chubs importantly, "I know for a fact that she _was_!" "Niket!" said Sunny, which meant, "It's true, to my knowledge she seemed to like to mix things together!" Violet was just going to say something against them when the doorbell rang, Walcott rose from where he had been drinking his heavy eggnog and went to open the door.

When he did, quite a lot of snow from the blizzard outside blew in, but along with it came two people, Chief Elder of the Council of Bird Carcass Elders, Lawrence Petrovich {Whom we met in Chapter 2! Go on, check if you don't believe me!}, also with him was a extremely sexy young lady, who was wearing a heavy fur coat that complemented her wavy blond hair.

"Ah, Elder Petrovich!" exclaimed Elmira, "And Stripper Esmeralda!

So glad that you could make it!" "Actually," said Elder Petrovich in his creepy little voice, "Our car was buried in a snow bank halfway up this gosh-damned hill and Esmeralda here had to carry me the rest of the way!" To this, Stripper Esmeralda replied in a silky Russian accent, "And he is stuffed full of roast beef and turnip casserole!"

"But, turning away from that…" said Chief Elder Petrovich, in an attempt to relieve atmosphere, "I see your children are dressed quite nicely!" he said this while staring at Violets boobs which were nicely outlined against her sexy black evening dress. "Ah!" said Stripper Esmeralda warmly, "These are the lovely young children I have heard so much about!" "Yes," began Elmira, while Lettie handed eggnog to the two guests, "This is Violet…and this is Klaus…" "Call me Chubs!" Chubs exulted {he looked even chubbier in his red Christmas sweater, on which were emblazoned the words, 'HO! HO! HO!' in big letters} "And this is Sunny!" finished Elmira, "Winki!" shouted Sunny, which meant, "If you hug me, I will massacre you!" There was a brief awkward silence, until the doorbell rang once more, echoing its evil screams throughout the house, Walcott once again opened the door, letting in more snow…and a man with slick, greased up black hair and a fluffy black mustache, "Oh, hello, Mr. Starloff!" greeted Elmira, she then said to the Baudes, "Children, this is William Starloff, the local rich snot-nose!"

I am _so _not going to go over introductions again and will skip ahead to when the doorbell rang one last time, Walcott opened the door, snow came in, along with a man, in a gray suit, who had {GASP!} a uni-brow and {GASP!} a pixilized tatoo on his left ankle…as a matter of fact, he was nearly the spitting image of Count Olaf…the very man who had wrecked the Baudes' lives!

"Oh my God!" Violet shrieked, "It's Count Olaf!" "Holy, lemon cheesecake!" Chubs exclaimed, "It is Count Olaf!" "Yamlim!" yelled Sunny, which meant, "OMG! It's my lover Count Olaf!" and so she proceeded to jump on the man and began to veraciously make out with him, to the horror of the man, who exclaimed, "HOLY GUACOMOLE! UNHAND ME, CREEPY BABY THING!" "Sunny, Sunny, stop!" shouted Elmira, pulling Sunny away, "That's not your creepy lover, it's Jacques Snicket, a village resident!" "OHHH!" gasped Sunny which meant, "Oh…well now I feel like a big fat slut!" More introductions were made and Mrs. Pierce called for dinner time.

Elmira led the three children and the four guests into the dining room, where a sumptuous meal, consisting of, walrus meat, penguin wing, and whale tooth {Along with three different flavors of blood pudding…YUM!} was laid out.

Elmira sat in her chair at the head of the table, and the others sat in chairs along either side…except for Mr. Snicket who sat at the back of the table.

"So, Baudelaires…" Mr. Snicket began in a garbled voice {due to the walrus fat he had stuffed in his mouth}, "do you know that I was old friends with your parents?" Violet was surprised, "No, we knew nothing…" she began, when Elmira cut her off in a voice that could raise the dead, "I DON'T THINK THAT THE CHILDREN WOULD LIKE TO HEAR ABOUT THAT! WOULD ANYONE LIKE SOME MORE MASHED POTATOES?"

"I THINK THAT I WOULD LIKE SOME MORE TATERS IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND! Shouted Mr. Starloff as he took an extra helping of the mashed potatoes. The table was in total silence for the rest of the meal…except once, when Chubs let out an explosive fart, which knocked out Lettie, who was standing in a corner.

After dinner, everyone was taken to the Lounge for heavy drinks; Mr. Starloff positioned himself at the piano and began to play Christmas songs, while Stripper Esmeralda stripped artfully to the music. "I wonder," Chubs whispered to Violet from the couch where they were sitting, "what Mr. Snicket was going to tell us about our parents?" "I don't know," Violet whispered back, "but I have a feeling…" but she was cut off as Mr. Snicket himself rose from his seat, champagne glass in hand, smiling like an idiot. "Lovely song, Mr. Starloff!" he said jovially, "And now, may I propose a toast!" he raised his glass and looked around the room before continuing, "I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!" only Mr. Starloff participated in the toast with him, Mr. Snicket gulped his champagne down in one swig, and let forth a mighty belch…he followed up to that belch by dropping to the floor, dead. Everyone rose and gathered around the prone corpse of Mr. Snicket. There was a long silence, broken at last by Chubs saying, "Rubber baby buggy bumpers!" in a loud and boisterous voice, and then Violet, who had been examining Mr. Snicket's champagne glass said, "There's something sticky and foul smelling in his glass." "Let me, examine it!" said Chubs, taking the glass from his sister, he practically buried his nose in the glass and took a big sniff, he then looked up and said in an ominous voice, "His drink was filled with Martha Stewart's foot shavings!" "My dear boy," said Chief Elder Petrovich, "do you mean to say he was poisoned?" "Indeed." Said Chubs, "Perhaps it was suicide…perhaps it was murder…but one thing is absolutely certain…" "And what's that?" asked Stripper Esmeralda, to which Chubs replied, "I have to go to the bathroom!"

A/N: And so the murder of Jacques Snicket occurs! Yeah, I said murder! Come on, anyone who's read The Vile Village should know that it's not suicide! But the identity of the murderer will not be revealed for a while! Have a good summer everyone, and we'll see you in the fall!


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5, The World's Going Bonkers!

Disclaimer: We own nothing...as per usual!

A/N: We're back from Vacation! The Crappy Village is back on the road, folks! We'd like to thank the Baudelaire Orphan {Thanks for sticking with us!, Gypsy Rosalie {It's always a pleasure hearing fro you!} and Angie Autopsy {Welcome to the Party!}. To the Baudelaire Orphan, Lettie's accent is derived from the Cornish area of Old England, sorry if you were offended! So, for those who need a recap, the Baudes and their Aunt Elmira, as well as the three servants and the weird guests are snowbound at Crapshack Manor on Christmas Eve and Jacques Snicket has been poisoned.  
Enjoy the Chapter, it's great to be back!

They sat around the corpse for a few more moments…and then Chubs returned from the bathroom, and proceeded to take council .

"Now," he began importantly, "Our first order of business is to take the corpse somewhere where I won't see it, and so won't vomit on my shoes!"

"Very well!" said Walcott, as he and Mr. Starloff proceeded to pick up Mr. Snicket and carry him upstairs to stash in a empty guest room. "Now, Aunt Elmira, we must notify the police of this event…have we the means of doing so?" "Well," Elmira replied, "I can send a telegram!" "A TELEGRAM?" shouted Violet, finally breaking down, "WHO THE HELL SENDS TELEGRAMS ANYMORE? WHAT IS THIS, 1855?"

"Ah!" said Chief Elder Petrovich, "She's very pissed; it must be her time of the month!" "IT IS NOT MY TIME OF THE MONTH! MY LIFE IS JUST TUMBLING DOWN THE CRAPPY HILL OF PREDICITIBILITY!"

"Oh…I see." Murmured Chief Elder Petrovich, extremely embarrassed.

It was then that Walcott and Mr. Starloff returned, "We've placed the corpse in the empty guest room." Said Walcott primly, "Excellent!" remarked Elmira rising, "Now all that must be done is…" just at that very instant a heavy banging was heard from the front door.

"I wonder who that could be?" asked Elmira, "It might be a stranded motorist who's crashed his car in the blizzard." "Or," added Mr. Starloff, "It could be a pervert, here to do disgusting things to us as a kind of 'Christmas Surprise'!"

His remark was met with silence, however, as Walcott opened the front door, releasing more snow and also…the complete number of the AVB blackbirds!

"HOLY CRAP!" screamed Walcott as he dropped to his knees, snow and blackbirds flying past him on all sides.

The blackbirds flew into the hall, like a huge black mass of foreboding shadow {Me like big words!} and turned towards the Lounge…which was where the others were. "RUN!" exclaimed Chubs, as he picked up Sunny and began to dash for the exit, "PROTECT YOUR BODY PARTS, AS BLACKBIRDS ARE KNOWN FOR BEING HUGE PERVS!"

"AH'M AFRAID!" screamed Lettie as she tripped over random things on her way to the door, "OH LORDY, LORDY, AH'M AFRAID!"

Translation: 'I'm afraid! Oh my God I'm afraid!'

Eventually, things calmed down, all the AVB blackbirds came in, allowing Walcott to finally close the front door {The entry hall, by the way, was filled with snow that had blown inside.}, the birds had all settled down to roost {Such a funny word! It sounds so much like 'roast!'} on the floor, furniture, and even the big Christmas tree in the Lounge, and the Baudes, Elmira, and the others were sprawled in the hall, covered in snow, blackbird's feathers…but mercifully not bird crap! "What…the…hell…was…that?" panted Stripper Esmeralda, "Well," began Chubs in his bad-ass scientific voice, "The blackbirds were freezing due to the blizzard raging outside, they saw the bright lights shining through this house's windows, and associated the light with warmth, so they flew, as a unit, towards the house and banged their little footsies on the door, Walcott opens the door, they come in, and settle down in the Lounge!" "Oh!" said everyone at once, "Now we know!" "Meyim!" said

Sunny {Her first bit of dialogue in a while!}, which meant, "Well, this is a cool Christmas Eve, I get to stay up late, my lover's look-alike drinks poison, and the house is invaded by blackbirds!" "You know," remarked Elmira, looking around, "I'm quite sure we've forgotten something…but I can't remember what…hmmmm…"

"Wait a second!" started Mr. Starloff, "I know what we've forgotten! Your fat-ass cook, Mrs. Pierce!" "Yeah," said Violet, "where's she been all this time? We haven't seen her since dinner!"

"We must find her!" proclaimed Chubs {Stating the blatantly obvious...}.

Chubs led the way as the little group charged into the kitchen…only to find that there was no one there!

Suddenly, the oven timer began to go off, BEEP!...BEEP!...BEEP!

"There's something in the oven…" began Elmira, looking towards her industrial sized oven {From Kenmore!;)}. Lettie hesitantly took an oven mitt from a drawer and slowly advanced towards the stove, she bent down, and opened the oven revealing…the smoking, hideously burnt body of Mrs. Mabel Pierce, squeezed inside! Lettie screamed in horror and dropped to her knees as hysteria started to kick in, "Oh, it's murder Ah tell ye…MURDER!" she screeched horribly.

Translation: 'Oh, it's murder I tell you…MURDER!'

"For once," began Chubs, looking around the room, "I believe Lettie is correct, the death of poor Mrs. Pierce was murder…and I do believe that the same goes for Mr. Snicket's death as well, we are snowbound in this house, we know quite sure there is no one else in here but us…so it stands to be certain that this madman…or madwoman…is one of our number!"

Dramatic music began playing in the background as everyone looked suspiciously at each other.

WHICH OF THEM?

A/N: And now a second murder occurs! The story is getting interesting, no? It will get even more exciting in the next chapter! Please R&R!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6, Do We Really Need A Detective?

Disclaimer: Own ASOUE we do not!

A/N: Howdy-do? It's school time for all and my schedule is fatter than Chubs! But never fear, we shall continue updating faithfully now that we are back. As we uploaded Chapter 5 earlier this weak, this chapter isn't that long. We'd like to thank The Baudelaire Orphan and Gypsy Rosalie for reviewing {It's great to have your guys back! Indeed, Chubs was in the bathroom for two months!}.

That being said, enjoy!

Everyone was assembled in the Study, Walcott and Mr. Starloff had just come back from placing the burnt corpse of Mrs. Pierce in the bedroom with Mr. Snicket. Chubs had resolved that they should send a telegram to the AVB Police Department as Elmira had suggested earlier…Of course, everyone's usually on holiday at Christmastime but there was a blizzard going as crazy as hell outside, so shouldn't there be someone waiting for a distress call? Walcott was sitting at the telegram transmitter…thingy, with those headphone things on, translating Elmira's dictation into Morse Code.

"Dear Police Department," Elmira dictated, "First of all Merry Christmas! Sorry to bother you so late on Christmas Eve, but we here at Crapshack Manor are snowed in with a bunch of the village blackbirds, there is a murderer among us and two of our number are already dead, please send someone to rescue us at once.

Sincerely, Elmira Hickingsvill.

P.S. Sorry for my behavior at the Winter Social, I truly did not mean to seduce Officer Cummings!"

"Very well Madam," said Walcott, taking off his headphones, "The telegram has been sent!"

"Excellent!" nodded Elmira, "Well, it will probably take them a while to get here, so why don't we play a game of poker?"

Everyone consented, and within minutes, everyone was gathered in the Game Room, playing poker, Sunny was, by far the best at the game among them, as a matter of fact, she was whooping their asses! "Well Sunny," said Violet, putting her cards down, "you won…again!" then she spotted something up Sunny's sleeve, it was a whole stack of aces! "You cheat Sunny! You cheat! You take four cards!" Sunny was offended, she screeched, "BAKA CRISK NAKKA CHOICKI SHIROANKA NOOBIN!" which meant, "How dare you accuse me of cheating! I oughta crape your eyes out!"

Sunny was stopped from doing this, however, for Stripper Esmeralda screamed bloody murder, "AHHHHHHHHHHH! LOOK AT THE WINDOW!" Everyone did as she said and saw, among the swirling snowdrifts, a figure wrapped up in many fur coats and scarves…and he was on skis! The figure drew closer…and closer…and closer…until he was at the window and rapped loudly on the glass!

Walcott crossed the room and opened the window, the snow was prevented from being blown inside however, for the skiing man was very fat and had to be tugged through the window by the harried butler.

Once the fatass man was through, Walcott closed the window and everyone turned to him.

"Who the hell are you?" asked Stripper Esmeralda suspiciously, to which the fatass man replied, while removing the many scarves from his face, "I am Inspector Hercule Poirot!" Here his face was revealed, he was mostly bald, but the hair ringing round the back of his had was shiny {Like he had used bacon grease as shampoo!} and black, as were his bushy eyebrows, he also had a comical little mustache that was kind of creepy looking, his eyes were a shiny green that darted about like cat' eyes as he continued, "I am Chief Detective of the AVB Police Department! We received a distress message and I had to ski across no-man's land for 45 minutes at 10:00 at night on Christmas Eve, so this had better be good!"

He removed his heavy coat, revealing his navy blue suit and shiny, patent leather shoes, he also pulled off his furry winter gloves showing that he wore, black leather gloves beneath them.

"Very well," began Elmira, rising, "How are you, Inspector Poirot? Merry Christmas, though I am afraid that you are now in a house with a savage killer who was brutal enough to shove a 500 pound woman into a stove! Walcott, please take the Inspector's coat and gloves and scarves and skis into the closet." Here she thrust the two pounds of winter clothing that Inspector Poirot had been wearing into her butler's arms, to which he replied, "Of course, Madam." As he staggered out of the Game Room.

"Now," began Inspector Poirot, {I forgot to mention, he has an extremely heavy Belgian accent. For those of you wondering what a Belgian accent sounds like, think of a French accent, with a little less emphasis on the vowel sounds!;)} "I will begin my searching of the house for evidence! You may feel free to do whatever you like while I do this." With a little nod of his funny head, he turned on his heel and left the room.

"Binny-bon!" said Sunny once the Inspector had left, that phrase means, "I think he's a fop!"

And everyone had to agree with that one.

A/N: O.K! Sorry about the shortness of the chapter, it was all I needed to introduce the character of Inspector Poirot! For those of you who did not recognize the reference, Hercule Poirot is a famous detective created by Agatha Christie, and yes, I described him down to the very last detail…that's actually how he was meant to look, little mustache and all! Also, sorry for the lack of murder, there will be one in the next chapter…but I'm not telling who gets killed, feel free to guess in your review!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7, I Don't Wanna Be Murdered!

Disclaimer: The usual...etc. etc.

A/N: Back after another week! In personal news, I have an Italian project to work on...joy! But enough about me...we'd like to thank Gypsy Rosalie. To answer your questions, it is just as fat as Chubs and I can't give you any hints outside the story itself. All I can say is that your answer may be correct.

Now, on to the story. Inspector Poirot has just arrived on the scene and he's gonna take the case and see if he can catch the killer! Let's see how he does with that, shall we?

After Inspector Poirot had left to search for clues, the others split up on their own ventures. Mr. Starloff and Stripper Esmeralda were sitting in the enclosed porch, looking through the wire curtain at the blowing storm. Mr. Starloff lit cigarettes for the both of them and they looked off at the snow-scape. "Hell of a storm out there," remarked Mr. Starloff, "Yeah," replied Stripper Esmeralda, "I wonder how long we're gonna be stuck here." "As, long as I'm with you, I'll survive, baby!" said he in a tone that marked him out as a rollicking ass. "You know, William, I've told you a bazillion, trillion, times before that I am not ready for a commitment!" "B-but," stammered Mr. Starloff, "I'm rich!" "I understand that you're rich, but I still don't like you! You're ugly as hell, have an annoying voice, and have no personality!"

Mr. Starloff ran out of the room, crying like the baby he was, Stripper Esmeralda, dragged deeply on her cigarette and looked back towards the snow.

"Well," said Walcott as he led Inspector Poirot into the make-shift morgue, "Here are the bodies!" the Inspector bent down and looked over the pale, peaceful body of Jacques Snicket, and then ran his hands across the cleavage of Mabel Pierce. "Very well!" he said, turning to the butler, "The deaths all seem rather justified, Monsieur Snicket over here, died from Martha Stewart's foot shavings being placed in his drink, and Madame Pierce was roasted in the oven! Now, Monsieur Walcott, if you could get me some corned beef from the fridge, I will be ready to continue my investigations!"

Elmira and Chief Elder Petrovich were sitting in the Library, talking, "Now, Miss Hickingsvill," Chief Elder Petrovich was saying, "What is it you wanted to talk to me about?" "Well, Elder Petrovich," Elmira replied, "I wanted to tell you about…the late Mr. Snicket." "Really now?" he remarked, "What about?" "Well, you see, he used to know the Baudelaire parents…and they were part of a…a group."

"What kind of group?"

"I…don't think I should say…I have reason to believe that this is all some kind of freaked out conspiracy…" just then Walcott entered, saying, "I'm sorry to interrupt you, but the Inspector says we must all assemble in the Study."

While this was happening, the Baudes had all gone up to Violet's room to have a little talk, "Sisters!" exclaimed Chubs, "I have a theory about this mysterious murderer!" "Really? What is it then?" asked Violet, "I think, that this odiferous killer is none other then the notorious Count Olaf!" "Pintsy!" shouted Sunny, which meant, "No! My lover wouldn't do such a thing…O.K. maybe he would, but we haven't seen any trace of him!" "Well," said Violet, thinking, "think of Jacques Snicket, he looked like Olaf, but he died, now think of Inspector Poirot!" "Violet!" said Chubs, offended, "I wouldn't think of you to accuse such a well bearing man of the law! A man who first of all arrived after the two murders had been committed, and who also looks nothing like Count Olaf!" Violet was insistent, "Well, remember Olaf has helpers, that bunch of circus freaks…and also, Carmelita Spats!" "Ah, so you are suggesting that one of our number is an associate of his, well no one fits the bill! No one here has hooks for hands, or is bald with a long nose, or has white powder on their face, and we can all discern our genders!" "Well then there must be another explanation!" shouted Violet, frustrated, "I just miss the Quagmires…especially Duncan…with his sweet brown eyes…and his goofy little attitude…"

"As for me," said Chubs tearfully, "I miss Isadora…"

They both began to weep, "Sqipple!" said Sunny, which meant, "Wow, the baby is the only one who doesn't cry…pathetic…" Violet turned toward the little mirror that was mounted on her wall…it was difficult to see her reflection in the smudged glass, Violet wiped her hand across the mirror and saw a girl…pale, strange, with flowing black hair and deep brown eyes, she smiled gently at the children and proceeded to take a corn dog out of her white dress.

"!"

The Baudes all screamed in horror and dashed out of the room, crashing into Lettie, who was going down the hallway with a basket of sheets, "AHHHHHH!" the maid screamed, "The murderer's got me…'elp me somebody…Ah need 'elp!

Translation: AHHHHHH! The murderer's got me…help me somebody…I need help!"

"No you idiot!" screamed Violet, "We need help! There's a ghost in my mirror!"

"Ah!" replied Lettie, looking rather shaken, "That'd be the ghost of Lauren Chip's Ahoy! The old maid used to own this 'ouse! She managed a cookie factory down in the village yonder…but she was killed by her arch nemesis…The Pillsbury Doughboy! And so her ghost roams the halls of this 'ouse…Ah meself 'ave see her walking around and short sheeting Missus' bed!"

"Well," said Chubs, recomposing himself, "that wasn't a very interesting ghost story! No one died or was maimed or anything like that!" "So we have a murderer and a ghost on our hands," sighed Violet, "Just great!"

Just then, Walcott came to the top of the stairs, "I'm sorry to interrupt this wild orgy, or whatever it is you're doing here," he said, "but Inspector Poirot says that we should assemble in the Study."

The Baudes entered the Study, where they found Inspector Poirot pacing the floor, Elmira sitting in an armchair, and Chief Elder Petrovich sitting in another. The children sat in a row on one of the two sofas, while Lettie {who had come in behind them} stood in a corner like a good little servant.

"So," began the Inspector, "we are waiting for Monsieur Walcott to return with Monsieur Starloff and Mademoiselle Esmeralda."

Just then Walcott came in, followed by Stripper Esmeralda, who sat on the other sofa, "I'm sorry sir," said the butler {In a voice indicating that he wasn't at all sorry, for he hated that enormous detective that was stealing his title as the gentleman bad-ass.}, "But I can't find Mr. Starloff, I've looked everywhere."

"Really?" questioned Inspector Poirot, "Did you look under the wardrobe and behind the sink?"

"Use your brains, man!" said Chief Elder Petrovich, "Think, think!"

"I am thinking you idiots!" Walcott screamed in distress, "I searched everywhere…and who left the window chest open?"

"Say what?" asked everyone but Elmira, who said, "Yes, the window chest, it's a window seat and a chest, I keep books and things in there." she rose and went to it, "Yes, the lid is hanging open slightly, as if there's something in there that won't fit…" brave as the little tin soldier from that Christmas story, Elmira threw open the chest revealing…_the pale corpse of Mr. William Starloff stuffed inside_! Elmira screamed, Stripper Esmeralda screamed, Chief Elder Petrovich screamed, Lettie screamed, Walcott screamed, Chubs screamed, Inspector Poirot screamed, Violet screamed…only Sunny did not scream, she instead said, "Kolloi!" which meant, "Cool!"

A/N: I guess it's kinda become a tradition to end the chapters with a funny bit of dialogue from either Chubs or Sunny! But, aside from that, Mr. Starloff is dead! And now only {counts on fingers} eight people remain! And there's a ghost in the house…could the ghost have anything to do with the murders, or did I just add her as an homage to the 'Scary Movie' series? Suggestions can always be included in your review…and if Count Olaf is the killer then where is he? And where the hell are the Quagmires?

Find out in the next chapter!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8, CHAOS! AND PENGUINS!

Disclaimer: Nothing is ours...nothing is ours...go and frolic amongst the stars!

A/N: And...hello! Time for Chapter 8...and so on and so forth. You guys are pretty lucky that we were able to post what with my mountains of homework, essays, pondering the meaning of life, writing my other bits of random crap and auditioning for drama class {We're doing 'The Wizard of Oz' this year...YEAH!}. Anyway, where we last left our ever dwindling cast, they had just discovered the body of the third victim, William Starloff.

Let's see what happens next...Oh! I almost forgot, thanks to The Baudelaire Orphan and Gypsy Rosalie for reviewing, you guys are awesome as always!

The eight remaining people looked in horror at the corpse of the third victim, "Well," began Elmira, breaking the long silence, "Someone's going to bring that body up with the others, before he starts stinking up the whole room!" and so Walcott {All alone now, because it was Mr. Starloff who had helped him pick up the first two bodies.} picked up the corpse and carried it out to be stored with the other dead fellers.

"So," said Stripper Esmeralda awkwardly, "he was pushed into the chest and suffocated, right?"

"You are quite right, Mademoiselle." Said Inspector Poirot curtly, "And now there are three victims, the queer, the cook, and the fag!" "Aren't queer and fag the same thing?" asked Violet, "No Mademoiselle, 'queer' means a strange perrson, and 'fag' is a bunch of sticks." {See? I don't like being tasteless. And that is how the dictionary defines those words!}

Everyone looked at each other, wondering what to say next when suddenly…the lights went out!

The house was as dark as…as…my brain at the moment! {Yeah, I've got a little writers block at the moment…moving on!} The sound of the blizzard outside was even more eerie, and the actions of everyone were…well strange, to say the least.

The moment the lights went out, Stripper Esmeralda screamed, Chubs exclaimed, "GOODNESS GRACHIOUS, MASHED POTATOES!" Sunny said, "Gregorovitch!" which meant, "HOLY CRAP! IT'S DARK AND SCARY AND I THINK I JUST POOPED MYSELF!"

Everyone else simply began shouting and stumbling about in all directions, "CALM DOWN EVERYONE!" Walcott screamed horribly, in an attempt to calm the others down, {Which failed miserably, by the way. Partly due to the fact that he had walked back into the room in the pitch dark and started to yell with everyone else.}, "The lights have probably gone out because the snow from outside is too heavy on the electrical wires, causing the power to go out!"

"Yeah, that's real great," muttered Violet, "we're stuck in the dark with a murderer in the room!"

"Well," said Walcott as he put on his trusty thinking cap, "I could go down to the basement and try to switch the power back on."

"Excellent, Walcott!" said Elmira, "Lettie, you'd best go with him, to make sure he doesn't get lost!"

Walcott looked very embarrassed as Lettie came up to him saying, "Don't worry Walcott; Ah'll take ye down to the cellar!"

Translation: 'Don't worry Walcott; I'll take you down to the basement!'

And so, the two idiot servants left the room, "Well," Elmira began, looking around, "we can't simply sit around here doing nothing or we shall surely begin to go mad with boredom! Why don't we play a nice round game to pass the time…like Monopoly!" "Mademoiselle," said Inspector Poirot, "it's dark as hell and I absolutely HATE Monopoly!"

Suddenly…there was a power surge! The lights came back on for a brief three seconds and then all dimmed to darkness once more, but along with the surge came a scream…piercing, hysterical screams…the types of screams that could only be uttered by…

"That scream came from Lettie!" exclaimed Chief Elder Petrovich, rising from his seat, "Oh my God!" shouted Stripper Esmeralda, "Walcott must be murdering her!" "Of course," said Inspector Poirot as he lit one of those candlestick thingys with the three holders, "the butler DID do it!"

They all ran like dancing owls out of the room and into the hall, just as a horrified Lettie came stumbling and shrieking up the stairs and came crashing right into the Inspector's many folds of fat, causing him to drop his candle thingy on the floor, where they were promptly extinguished.

"YOU BUMBLING FOOL!" he yelled at the sobbing Lettie, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED DOWN THERE?" "Ah, don't know!" yelled Lettie, "Walcott and Ah went down to the cellar and he stuck 'is finger in a power socket and then 'e was cooked wright up and Ah screamed and dropped the torch and Ah came up 'ere and then ye started shoutin' at me and Ah…"

Translation: 'I don't know! Walcott and I went down to the basement and he stuck his finger in a power socket and then he was cooked right up and I screamed and dropped the torch and I came up here and then you started shouting at me and I…'

"O.K. you can shut up now!" shouted Inspector Poirot, "I'm sorry I asked!"

Chubs said, in a weary voice, "I think we'd best…RUN LIKE THE DEVIL HIMSELF WAS ON OUR TAIL!" and they did just that, everyone running in all directions, stumbling in the dark and shouting out at each other.

The Baudes rushed into the dining room, locking the door as they entered.

"Do you think we'll be safe here?" asked Violet, panting, "Simpo!" said Sunny, which meant, "I hope so…there's a madman on the loose!"

"I believe," said Chubs, "that the precautions we have now taken are quite adequate to protect us…I'm quite sure we can all trust each other!" "Really?" asked Violet, taking a knife from the dining table, "I'm not sure we can trust the baby…" "WTF?" exclaimed Sunny, which meant…well it's self explanatory.

"I'm just saying Sunny," said Violet, "We've come to the conclusion that Olaf must be behind this somehow…and well, you were a little bit too friendly with him back at Prufrock Prep…perhaps you're an accomplice!"

"Manix!" shouted Sunny in her pissed off voice, which meant, "How dare you accuse of such things that only a skanky whore would do…oh!"

"Sisters please!" begged Chubs, "This odiferous bickering amongst ourselves would be our undoing! Most assuredly it is one of the others who is the murderer…one of the others is the killer of the last real link to our family!"

"You mean Jacques Snicket?" asked Violet, "He wasn't the last link to our parents…he just used to know them…it's all a coincidence!" "I highly disagree," said Chubs, "I believe that everything happens for a reason…that we are all performers in this great waffle based drama that is humanity!"

His sister stared at him as though he had finally gone off his rocker, when suddenly…they heard a strange humming sound coming from the little evening bag that Violet had been carrying throughout the night, that I have neglected to mention until now.

Violet opened her bag and discovered that the sound was coming from her little compact makeup mirror, which she picked up and opened…she looked in the mirror and saw…not her own reflection, but that of Isadora Quagmire! The Baudes' old friend looked like a train wreck, her hair was a mess, she was filthy and her clothes were rumpled and sopping wet in some kind of filthy muck, "Violet, Violet, is that you?" Isadora asked in pure joy, "Is Violet on the other line?" asked another familiar voice, "Let me speak with her!" And then Duncan Quagmire appeared in the mirror beside his sister, looking no better then her, but with eyes filled with love {and some kind of hunger} at seeing his beloved Violet.

"Is that Isadora?" exclaimed Chubs, pushing Violet away from the mirror, as soon as he saw his lover; he began to violently make out with the glass, as did Isadora from the other end.

"O.K." said Violet, "First of all, Chubs, get your disgusting spit off of my compact! Number two, Duncan, Isadora, it's great to see you guys but…what the hell are you doing in my mirror?"

"Well Violet," began Isadora, breaking up the kissing fest with Chubs, "remember, in October, when we cast that eternity spell on our compacts?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, I've finally been able to work out how to use it…Merry Christmas, by the way!"

"Same to you darling!" said Chubs looking at his little pocket watch, "it is precisely one hour until Christmas Day…the bad bit of news is that we are snowbound with a mad killer!"

"We know, my old friend!" said Duncan in his so called 'bad ass' tone, "Olaf has imprisoned us in this dark and damp place…we have no idea where we are…but we do know that he's headed for Crapshack Manor…"

"Ah!" remarked Chubs, "That happens to be where we are…oh!"

"So, I was right!" said Violet triumphantly, "Olaf is behind these killings! But…um…guys? Can you tell us where you are so we can come save you?"

"We've got no idea at all where we are!" said Isadora, exaperated, "All we know is that it's very dark and very wet and it smells like crap!"

Chubs was going to reply that that was far too bad when they heard a crash and a bloodcurdling scream followed by the sounds of cawing, rustling and more screams.

"Oh, God!" shouted Violet, "Duncan, Isadora, we've gotta go…we'll try to save you!"

With hurried goodbyes, the mirror transmission ended and the Baudes unlocked the door and hurried out.

The Baudes rushed into the hallway, to a horrible sight, Elmira, Stripper Esmeralda, and Inspector Poirot were standing in the doorway of the Lounge, where the AVB blackbirds were flying about nervously Lying before all of the people was the mutilated corpse of Lettie! GASP!

"Oh my God…" gasped Violet, "What happened?"

"The birds were startled by that loud crashing sound," explained Inspector Poirot, "and so they charged on this helpless but foolish girl…not murder…simply an accident. The death of Monsieur Walcott was also an accident, we checked in the cellar, he stuck his finger into the electric socket…an extremely idiotic thing to do."

"But…the crash…" stammered Chubs, and then they all said at once, "CHIEF ELDER PETROVICH!"

A/N: Two deaths! And what has become of Petrovich? Is he the murderer? Is he the victim? Find out in the next chapter! Oh, and by the by, our profile now has AWESOME FEATURES! Feel free to PM us with any question and we'll answer it. Also, PM us with answers to our ASOQE list where you can tell us what you want most from out series.

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9, The Ghosts Have Gas!

Disclaimer: Not even bothering this time...just let it be known that nothing belongs to us!

A/N: Here's a shortish kind of chapter! We'd like to thank The Baudelaire Orphan and Gypsy Rosalie as always, for reviewing. Please, do try to visit our profile and PM us if he have any questions, suggestions etc.

Well, let's get going!

The Baudes, Elmira, Inspector Poirot, and Stripper Esmeralda entered the Library, where they found the body of Chief Elder Petrovich crushed by a bookcase!

"Oh my God!" screamed Stripper Esmeralda.

Inspector Poirot bent down and picked up a broken length of rope that had been tied to the bookshelf, "A booby trap," he said gravely, to which Chubs replied, "Ha, ha! You said 'booby'!", the Inspector continued, "Three deaths all in an instant, two apparently accidental, one an obvious murder…and now there are six of us…five innocent, and one a MURDERER!"

"Not nessecerely," Violet cut in, "Walcott or Lettie may have been the killer before they died."

Everyone looked around, confused.

Elmira spoke up, "Inspector, if I may make a suggestion?"

"Of course, Mademoiselle!"

Elmira proceeded to tell everyone about the ghost of Lauren Chip's Ahoy and how she could have something to do with the deaths.

"Ah then!" exclaimed Inspector Poirot, "We must hold a séance to contact the spirit!"

"Here, here!" shouted Chubs merrily, "Pwicix!" said Sunny, which meant, "What the hell is a séance?"

"Why Sunny," said Chubs, always ready to teach, "a séance is when a bunch of people speak to ghosts!"

And so, the six remaining people gathered in the Dining Room where they sat around the table with Inspector Poirot at the head, "We must join hands!" he said, and that was done.

"Now," the Inspector continued, "I will speak to the great spirit!" he then said in an absolutly ridiculous voice, "Hello, Miss Ghost! I am going to ask you some questions…do you find me sexy?"

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" wondered Stripper Esmeralda, to which Inspector Poirot replied, "Nothing, I was just curious!" he then continued to the spirit, "Now, do you know anything pertaining to the mad cheesecake murders that have been going on tonight…!" Suddenly, Inspector Poirot's eyes began to glow dark green as strange lights began to flash about the room.

"Risma!" screamed Sunny, which meant, "WTF? What's going on with the fop?"

"My guess," said Chubs, "is that the ghost of Lauren Chip's Ahoy has taken over the Inspector's body!"

"YOU ARE RIGHT KLAUS BAUDELAIRE!" shouted Inspector Poirot in a voice that definitely was not his, it was a very deep woman's voice…the voice of Lauren Chip's Ahoy! "Call…call…m-me Chubs!" stammered Chubs, trying to be brave, Lauren though, was indifferent and roared, "I WILL CALL YOU AS I WISH…NOW, TO ANSWER THE QUESTION THAT IDIOT FRENCHMAN PUT TO ME…" "Actually," cut in Elmira, "he's Belgian."

"SILENCE FOOL, OR I SHALL BLAST YOU!"

Elmira then said, like a complete idiot cabbage head, "Does that mean that you shall hit on me? Because I could file a complaint for sexual harressment..."

Lauren screamed in rage and, simply by waving her {or rather Inspector Poirot's} hand, caused a soup tureen to fly across the table and whack Elmira right in the face, causing her to crumple to the floor, unconscious. "Holy crap, Aunt Elmira!" screamed Violet, getting up to examine her freaky relative.

"THAT'S ENOUGH OF THIS!" shouted Lauren, "NOW I WILL NEVER ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, INSTEAD I WILL KILL YOU ALL!

And then, all in an instant, Lauren/Poirot {My new name for Poirot as he is possessed by Lauren!} rose from the ground in flight and with an upward thrust of Poirot's arms the table was upended, sending plates, utensils and leftover walrus meat from dinner crashing to the floor.

"Oh my God!" screamed Stripper Esmeralda, "We've got to get out of here!" and she raced from the room like the little pansy girl she was.

Violet hurriedly scooped up Sunny and ran out, followed by Chubs who was assisting Elmira who was covered in soup and had a lump the size of Minnesota forming on her forehead where the tureen hit her. "Come, come, Aunt Elmira!" shouted Chubs, franticly, to which Elmira replied, dazedly, "Animal crackers in my soup, lions and tigers loop-the-loop!"

Eventually everyone was out in the Hall, where the strange lights and sounds continued, the blackbirds were very frightened and began to fly about the house like whirling dervishes {I saw them on the Travel Channel, absolutely hilarious}. And then Lauren/Poirot flew out of the Dining Room, and with that spectral figure the doors began to open and shut and a strange wind began to blow.

"YOU WILL ALL PERISH!" screamed Lauren/Poirot. "Come on, in here!" shouted Stripper Esmeralda, throwing open the cellar door, everyone rushed through…and as they dashed through the door, they heard "NOW, TO KILL THE ASS!" and a torrent of light and loud sounds came forth from where Poirot had been.

A/N: Well! The ghost surfaces and kills Poirot! And now there are five, five people hiding in the cellar. The most amazing revelation yet will be coming along with the next chapter!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10, In Which There Is a Crucial Plot Twist!

Disclaimer: Everything Under the Sun May Or Not Be Ours

A/N: And we're here! Behold, Chapter 10! We'd like to thank Miss Sunny Baudelaire {Welcome back to Queer Events!} and Torie Riliskrytcat {Welcome!} for reviewing. Now that's done...let's get going!

In the few days in which the Baudes had been living with Elmira, they had never seen her cellar, it was crowded, smelly and had the dead body of Walcott sprawled out, with one finger still in the socket of the power generator. Elmira {who had by now recovered from her soup tureen incident} locked the cellar door and barricaded the bottom of the steps with some chairs, a wardrobe and a stuffed grizzly bear. "That ought to keep that bastard ghost out!" Elmira said confidently as she put down the last pudding jar. "How's your head?" asked Violet, "Oh, it's all right now, thank you for asking, dear!" "Frinshi!" said Sunny, which meant, "Lovely, now let's get the hell out of here!" "Will everyone just shut the hell up?" screamed Stripper Esmeralda. "I find," said Chubs moving toward an overstuffed armchair, "that if I just sit down and think," he sat down, rocking his chair back and banging his head against the wall, as the chair fell back, the section of floor that Elmira was standing on gave way and Elmira fell right through, screaming all the way.

"What in the name of galloping wunderbluffs?" exclaimed Chubs as everyone ran to the side of the hole and looked inside.

"I'm okay!" came the voice of Elmira rising from the darkness of the pit. "Well that's a relief!" said Stripper Esmeralda sarcastically, "Look," said Violet, "There's a ladder going down into the pit, it could be the way out of here!"

"Minsika!" said Sunny, which meant, "There's no way in hell I'm going down there!"

Despite Sunny's loud protests, Violet picked her up, placed her on her back like an adorable baby koala and began to descend the ladder, followed by Chubs who was in turn followed by Stripper Esmeralda {who was grumbling and complaining about getting her dress dirty and breaking a nail}.

When they reached the bottom of the pit, they found Elmira lying in a pool of ankle deep sewage that smelled of crap, "Oh, it's disgusting down here!" moaned Stripper Esmeralda in clear distress as the elder Baudes helped their guardian to her feet.

"Calm down you spoiled brat!" exclaimed Violet, turning towards the Russian woman. "Oh, do stop this odiferous bickering!" shouted Chubs, "Look here, there is a tunnel!"

Indeed, there was a tunnel in the plaster wall before them, into this tunnel; the crap-filled water flowed.

"This tunnel must connect to the village sewer systym!" Chubs continued to the others, "There must be a sewer hatch down the way that will take us to freedom!"

"Well we'll have to go a long way," said Elmira "this house is two miles off from town!"

"Well, we shall have to go…it is our only chance!"

They all had to agree with Chubs and followed him into the tunnel {For light, they used Chubs' Christmas sweater, which they set on fire and wrapped around a spare pipe, leaving him to continue, warmed only by his many folds of fat.}

"Oh!" Stripper Esmeralda screamed as she stumbled along in her racy stilettos, "There's rats everywhere…like some low rate strip club!" "Don't you work in strip clubs?" asked Violet, to which Stripper Esmeralda replied, "I do, but I am a former Hooters Girl…very high class."

"Oh! Yes! Very high class!" everyone chorused sarcastically.

They continued on in complete and total awkwardness until Elmira gave a great scream!

"Look, look the floor ends!" she exclaimed in a shrill voice filled with strain and weirdness, but indeed, the floor did end, letting the sewage run down in a sort of 'crapfall'. Violet shined the makeshift torch down into the pit that sloped down before them, it was shaped like a tube, with sealed sewage grates through which more crap fell into a sort of pool at the bottom, the amount of crap in the tube never rose as the bottom was ringed in more pipes that the crap flowed through. More interesting then this however, was what was in the crap pool, a circular platform made out of trash. It bobbed about to all sides of the tube, jostling about the two people who were on it.

Plot Twist #1: Who were the two people on the platform…? {Come on, this is the easiest one!} You will have the rest of the page to think.

Now that you've had sufficient enough time to think I shall tell you…they were the two Quagmires! Violet's beloved Duncan, and Chubs' beloved Isadora, looking just as grubby and disgusting as they had been in the mirror transmission, they looked up at the distant faces of their old friends and beamed like the rising sun.

"Duncan!" cried Violet.

"Isadora!" cried Chubs.

"Violet!" cried Duncan.

"Chubs!" cried Isadora.

"Elmira!" cried Stripper Esmeralda.

"Stripper Esmeralda!" cried Elmira.

"Sunny!" cried Sunny.

"Oh, thank God, you've come!" said Isadora, breathless with excitement, "I was just about to puke!"

"Isadora!" shouted down Chubs, "We'll get you out of there my love!"

Isadora blew an air kiss to Chubs, who reached forward to catch it and himself fell into the pit, "Chubs!" exclaimed Duncan, pulling his friend onto the platform, "How pleased I am to see you!" "And you've come shirtless!" said Isadora in joy as the couple began to make out.

Suddenly, Violet called down to her brother and his girlfriend, "Damnit! I'm sick of Duncan and I being the second rate relationship around here!"

"Mamix!" said Sunny, rolling her eyes, this word meant, "Tough ass, Violet! Olaf and I are the second rate relationship! You and Duncan are substantial!" This got the two Baude females into a vicious catfight that sent them into the pit as well.

As they too were pulled onto the platform, Violet and Duncan embraced and began to make out alongside their respective siblings who were still in embrace {Sunny just sat there, biting the platform like a baby…because she was.}

"Um…children!" came a weak voice from up above them, the Baudes and the Quags looked up and saw…

Plot Twist #2: What do the children see? What will become of them? Will they ever escape their crap pit? I'll have to leave you until the next chapter!

OH SUSPENSE!

A/N: Ready to wait seven days for this cliffhanger to be resolved? I know I am!

Update Coming Next Friday!:)


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11, The First Real Action Chapter in the Entire Story!

Disclaimer: There be nothing in these here articles that you might find that would belong to us!

A/N: SORRY! To get that done: let us explain why we have been unable to update for four weeks. Document Manager was faulty. I had to contact the good ole folks for help, which took two weeks. Afterwards, I had to wait a bit of time for our profile to operate again. And now, here we are. As a gift for putting up with the extreme suspence of us leaving you hanging, we are posting the final three chapters of the Crappy Village today! Hurrah! Hurrah and all that other jazz. We'd also like to thank the lovely Gypsy Rosalie and Baudelaire Orphan for reviewing with their awesomeness as usual. Now: ON WITH THE STORY!

The five children looked up at the spout above them, where Stripper Esmeralda stood, pressing a revolver against Elmira's head!

"Whoa!" cried Duncan, "Déjà Veu!"

"Now!" said Stripper Esmeralda in a new voice, the Russian accent had slipped away, revealing a sexy cosmopolitan accent, "I have the old bag, and you shall do as I say! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Wait one measly minute!" exclaimed Chubs, "You're not a stripper are you?"

"No, I'm not." Replied Not-so-Stripper Esmeralda, "My name is…"

Plot Twist #3: What is Stripper Esmeralda's real name? Once again, I shall give you some thinking space!

"My name is Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor!" said Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor rapturously,

"I'm the city's sixth most important double-crossing whore!"

"So…" began Violet, "Are you the murderer, then?"

"Yes and no," said Esme, "I committed _some_ of the murders, but the real criminal mastermind is my boyfriend!"

"Three guesses who her boyfriend is!" muttered Isadora under her breath, "Well," began Duncan, "I can assure everyone that we will be perfectly safe from that skank, down here…"

He was cut off, however, as Esme pushed Elmira down into the pit as well, turning her gun onto the people on the platform and begining to fire like a madwoman!

The five children immediately jumped off of the platform and into the crap pool, ducking beneath the muck for cover. Esme though, had her eyes shut throughout the entire shooting fest and when she opened her eyes and found no one there, she exclaimed, "Excellent! I shot them so much that they completely disappeared! Now to return to my darling Olaf!" she turned and disappeared into the tunnel.

"Well!" said Elmira, "At least I'm alive!" to this, Isadora replied, "Who's the old lady?"

"That's our guardian," said Violet indifferently, "she's creepy." "I see," Said Duncan, "well, let's not speak of such cabbage stuffed matters and fix ourselves on the task of getting out of here!" "I quite agree my old friend!" exclaimed Chubs, they then began their old best friends toast. They swung their arms at each other and tugged at their ears while chanting, "Genius of the Restoration, Aid Our Own Resuscitation!"

"Winika!" shouted Sunny, which meant, "Yeah, yeah, we all remember your stupid toast from the last story. Just get on with it!"

"Very well then," said Chubs, rather miffed, "I have a suggestion!" "What is it?" asked everyone, at the very brink of annoyance, to which Chubs replied, "I suggest that all you ladies rip off your skirts, and Duncan, you take off your 'Long Live Macaroni' sweater, we tie them together to make a rope that we can use to get back up top!" Begrudgingly, the ladies ripped off their skirts, leaving only a short bit left to cover their unmentionables. They tied them together to make a rope and Violet, swung it up into the air so it latched around the tunnel that lead back to Crapshack Manor. "Alright!" said Violet, satisfied, "Let's get up there and whoop Olaf's ass!" there was a resounding cheer from everyone except Sunny as they began to ascend the cord.

When they were all standing in the tunnel, the rope was pulled up and Chubs wrapped it around himself should the need to use it arise. "God, it feels good to actually be able to walk again!" sighed Isadora, whose shoulder was then clutched by Chubs who said, "Dear Isadora, when we get out of this muddle, I shall take you to Friendly's for ice cream sundaes!" "Oh, I would like that!" "Yes." they began to make out again, prompting Elmira to say, "Really! Children engaged in lip-lock and tongue wrestling? Outrageous!" Violet replied, "This is nothing, they got racy in Olaf's office in the last book." "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

gagged Elmira, as Violet continued, "Duncan and I will have to find a later date to get pyshical. This story is kind of winding down, so perhaps we could do it in the next one."

Violet's laments were cut off as they reached the ladder that connected to Crapshack Manor's cellar. Hurriedly, they climbed the ladder and groped through the cellar before stumbling up the stairs and out into the Hall. The Hall was illuminated by several candles and the blackbirds were now mostly asleep. Standing before the Baudes, the Quags, and Elmira was Esme, and one other…

Plot Twist #4: Who is the person with Esme? Well, it's obviously Count Olaf but he was in disguise as one of the characters in our story! Feel free to post suggestions in your reviews, if you find out who's Olaf you will be the winner!

{There isn't a prize, BTW it's just a happy feeling you get inside}

A/N: Now, chapter twelve is being posted right now and is probably up as you read this. You can post a review with your killer suggestion or you can skip right ahead to the revelation!

Update Coming AT THIS MOMENT! :)


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12, Whodunit?

Disclaimer: As you probably read five minutes ago: WE OWN NOTHING!

A/N: The immediate update is here. Directly after this will come Chapter 13, which, like last story, will be a songfic chapter. It's time to find out if the killer is the one who you think it is!

Violet, Chubs, Sunny, Duncan, Isadora and Elmira gaped in astonishment as they saw, standing beside Esme, Inspector Hercule Poirot, alive!

"Well, well, we were just going to come down there to fetch you." said Poirot in a voice that was not his own merry Belgian accent, it was instead a familiar wheezy voice. Poirot began to peel off his clothes revealing that he was really thin as a bone. Beneath his flamboyant suit, he wore a tatty black one that the children remembered from their last day at Prufrock Prep. Poirot then pulled a bucket of water from out of nowhere and poured it on himself, washing the black from his hair and revealing that the single ring of thinning locks that went round the back of his head was scraggly and gray. His eyebrows were also like this, though they slanted slightly at the ends as though they used to connect in a uni-brow. Next, Poirot kicked off his leather shoes revealing disgusting bare feet and an obscene tattoo on his left ankle. This tattoo was exposed for only a second, for he pulled on black leather snow boots next. Finally, he reached up and ripped off his moustache revealing the complete terribleness of Count Olaf! He stood looking proud for a second or two, but then, the rip-burn caught up with him and he screamed bloody murder.

"!" howled Olaf, while Esme spread some Vicks Vapo Rub on his burn.

Five minutes later, Olaf stood and said, "You know, we were distracted for five minutes, you had perfect time to run away or hit me on the head or something!" Confronted with their extreme stupidity, the children and Elmira said in chorus, "DAMMIT!" "Yes. Well the past is past!" said Olaf contentedly, "Now I will begin a very long monologue about how and why I killed everyone. After I discovered that you had come to this Asshat Village of Blackbirds, Esme and I came down here and took up jobs, Esme as 'Stripper Esmeralda' and I as 'Inspector Poirot', the foppish mustache detective! Then, you finally arrived and took residence here at Crapshack Manor. That is where I had to acquire an associate!" "Like the losers who only had one sentence of story time in the first story?" asked Violet, "No, I hired that idiot butler, Walcott, to make things ready for me here, under the pretense that 'Inspector Poirot' was planning to catch a serial killer who enjoyed committing mass murder at dinner parties. Walcott ate the story up like a wheel of delectable brie cheese."

"Impossible!" exclaimed Elmira, "My butler may have been a complete fool, but he never would have believe a story like that! And brie cheese is disgusting!"

"My dear old hag," said Olaf, "it was perfectly simple to manipulate your butler; I offered him chocolate while I spoke to him and he promised him more if he helped me 'catch the killer' on the evening of this Christmas party. He started preparing this house with all sorts of gadgets and surprises that I told him would assist me in my detecting endeavors.I'll get to what he did later. Then came this evening! I will have Esme tell about her part in this affair."

Now Esme stepped forward and began, "I arrived at this party masquerading as the flamboyant slut, Stripper Esmeralda. When that idiot Starloff was playing the piano and I was dancing around like a little flame, I slipped Marta Stewart's foot shavings into Jacques Snicket's glass!" "It was particularly satisfying to be rid of an old rival!" chuckled Olaf.

"Rival?" stammered Chubs, at a loss to understand, "what do you mean, 'rival'?"

"Long story," said Olaf, "we'll explain it in another book. Continue Esme!" "Anyway," Esme continued, "after Snicket was killed, the blackbirds came. It was unexpected and like something out of a Hitchcock film. But it was the perfect distraction. While everyone was stumbling around like blinded gorillas, I entered the Kitchen and pushed the giant woman Mrs. Pierce into the oven and cooked her at 350 degrees Fahrenheit. I returned to the others before the birds had fully settled down. Back to you, Olaf." Esme stepped back and Olaf stepped forward, "Thank you, Esme." He said, "While that was happening, I entered the house through the secret sewer tunnel, complete with the pillow case that held my Poirot disguise, and hid in the cellar. I quickly dressed himself up for the part and waited. Walcott returned to me and said that he had pretended to send the telegram to the police. For, you see, one of my instructions to him was to cut the telegram thingy's wires as the killer might have infiltrated the authorities! I had told him that I would already have entered the house through means of my own. I then informed Walcott that to pretend that I had come from the police station, I would come to the window on skies and he must be ready to let me in. And that is just what happened: I appeared at the Game room window and Walcott did allow me inside. I introduced myself to you all and made it clear the circumstances that you were in. Then, as you dispersed I decided on my next victim, another fop, William Starloff. I cornered him in the Study, stuffed a paper towel into his mouth and stowed him in that bench thingy leaving him to suffocate. I then told my associate, Walcott to gather everyone in the Study, which he did. Starloff's body was found and then the power went out! That was an unexpected pleasure! Like when you run into a pretty girl in Modell's who's picking out sports bras to fit her plump cleavage…"

"Ahem!" harrumphed Esme, "Oh, sorry dear," Olaf stammered, "well, to continue, the power being out led to Walcott and the moron Lettie going down to the cellar to fix everything up. As far as I can figure, Walcott stuck his finger in a power socket and died. It was a purely accidental affair, but now I don't have to buy him chocolate! Anyway, Lettie runs out screaming, she tells us that Walcott's dead and we split up in hysterics. I then fetched some rope from my supply stash and tied one end to a bookshelf in the Library and the other end to the door-frame: a perfect booby trap to kill whomever came inside! Sure enough, that person was Petrovich, a right-wing idiot all the way! I knew the blackbirds would take flight when that loud crash occurred so I wasn't surprised when they swarmed Lettie, who happened to be passing! Next, was the séance." "Indeed," began Chubs inquisitively, "what was the meaning of all of those special effects and whatnot?" "Well," said Olaf, "one of the things I had instructed Walcott to do was to exaggerate on the local legend of Lauren Chip's Ahoy and, according to that, rig the house with the mirror hologram that you saw in your bedroom as well as the seance treats in the Dining Room. He did all that in the days before this evening. When we sat at the dining table for the séance, I used my knee to push the control pad that had been attached to the table's underside. This began the lights and sounds. My eyes turned green because the colored lights reflected off of the special contacts that I had been wearing. The soup tureen had been affixed to a censor that was activated when I waved my hand."

"But what about the voice. That ladies' voice?" asked Violet, to which Olaf replied, "A microphone attached within my collar modified my voice so that it sounded like a woman's. I was able to fly due to little jet engines I inserted into my fop shoes and the table was upended with another censor! And that's how I did it!"

"Wow!"

"Bonkers!"

"Incredible!"

"Bastard!"

"Tiddly-wink!" which meant, "So it's true…so cheated on me with that bloody whore!"

"Now, now, Sunny," crooned Olaf, "I will still love you somewhere in the depths of my deformed and horribly warped heart! BTW, you guys had ample time to run away while I was giving that monologue."

Once again, they all shouted, "DAMNIT!"

Olaf continued, "Ah and I nearly forgot!" suddenly, before anyone could stop him, he drew a revolver from his jacket and shot Elmira clean through the head!

"ELMIRA!" screamed all the Baudes at once, rushing to look at their dead guardian, who was now lying in a pool of blood seeped from her head, "She may have been weird," Violet sobbed, "but she was cool!" "Indeed," wept Chubs, "She was so kind!" Duncan and Isadora tried to comfort them when Violet turned ferociously on Olaf, "WELL!" she screamed, "ARE YOU GONNA KIDNAP US NOW OR WHAT?" but it was revealed that Olaf was putting on a ridiculously large top hat and Esme was pulling on her fur coat, "No." was Olaf's simple answer to Violet's question, "What do you mean, 'no'?" asked Violet, Chubs, Isadora and Duncan; Sunny said, "Upioa!" which means the same thing. "This plan wasn't to kidnap you and get your fortunes, oh no sir! It was to have you hounded by the police as murderers!"

"Murderers!" exclaimed Duncan, "Most assuredly not!"

"My dear children," sighed Olaf, "what do you think will happen when you are discovered here with seven dead bodies? You will be on the run as fugitives giving me an easier chance to get at your fortunes in the next story!"

"Yes," said Esme, "Olaf darling, in fifteen minutes it shall be Christmas Day! Let's go!" "Yes," said Olaf, tipping his top hat at the children, "do let's!" The two villains ran off into the Dining Room, the children right on their heels. They ran past the destruction from the séance and into the Kitchen. Olaf threw open a window revealing a snowmobile with a snow blower duct-taped to the back. Sitting in the snow mobile was…

Plot Twist #5: Who is in the snow mobile? Hint: It's one of Olaf's associates! As usual, I will give a bit of thinking space.

In the snow mobile was Duncan's old girlfriend, Carmelita Spats! She was wearing designer pink winter wear and had her red hair back in a bun. "OK, you two!" she called to Olaf and Esme, "Get on board! Hi, Duncan!" as she said this, she blew him a kiss, on which Violet glared disapprovingly. Olaf then roared in rage and tossed Duncan to the other side of the room. The two climbed on board and drove off. The snow, by the way, had stopped falling, though it was now lying about five feet deep on the ground. The snow blower's purpose was, apparently scatter the snow about to cover the mobile's tracks.

"There's no use following them," sighed Violet, "it's too far off and it's too cold out there."

"Well then what _can_we do?" asked Chubs, "We can escape before the police arrive." Said Violet solemnly. The children ran out of the room and up the stairs. The Baudes hurriedly changed into clothes that were suitable for travelling. Just as they were leaving their rooms, suitcases in hand, they heard loud banging on the mansions doors. "Crap!" screamed Isadora, "The cops are breaking down the doors!" And, just as she was saying this, the doors burst open, letting in swarms of AVB policemen who immediately noticed the dead bodies in the Hall and in several rooms that had opened doors, "Blimey!" exclaimed one of them, "Look at all these here bodies!" "And look," said another one, "those kids up there! They must be the murderers!" "No we're not, you hick idiots!" Isadora screamed down to them. "Let's just run!" shouted Violet, and so they ran up the stairs to the roof. When they reached the rooftop, Duncan asked, "So, what do we do now?" "Hell if I know!" said Violet, "I was just making everything up!" "Wait!" exclaimed Chubs "Look, up there in the sky!" Indeed, there was something coming closer and closer to them until it was revealed to be a big red sleigh, pulled by very sick looking reindeer. Sitting astride in the sleigh was…

Final Plot Twist: Who is the person in the sleigh? Hint: it's not Santa! You know the drill!

Sitting in the sleigh was Mr. Poe! "Ho, ho, ho!" Laughed Mr. Poe, "I sensed that there was something wrong and hurried over! What's going on?" Just then, the cops arrived on the roof, "Look there!" shouted one of them, "The kids are kidnapping the fatass!" "Well, whatever floats your boat!" said Mr. Poe, "Get in!" the children did as he said and leaped into the sleigh, leaving the cops behind them.

"Hey guys," said Violet, looking at her watch, "it's been Christmas for five minutes!" "Then we'd best celebrate!" declared Mr. Poe, pulling some hot cocoa with marshmallows out of the glove compartment, and serving it to the kids.

"Merry Christmas, Violet!"

"Merry Christmas, Chubs!"

"Merry Christmas, Duncan!"

Merry Christmas, Isadora!"

"Merry Christmas, Sunny!"

"Merry Christmas, Mr. Poe!"

The Baudes and the Quags had plenty to be worried about: where they would go, where Olaf and his cronies were, what would become of the next story. But at that moment, all they needed to do was to wish each other a Merry Christmas.

A/N: And so concludes Act 2 in our Series of Queer Events! Well, not exactly, we will still have a song-fic chapter and a certain someone will make a reappearance!

Update Coming Right Now!:)


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13, And Then There Were Christmas Song-fics!

Disclaimer: The cheery holiday jingles contained herein do not, in any way belong to us.

A/N: Time to spread that Christmas cheer! Welcome to the end of Book 2, folks! News regarding Book 3 will be released with our concluding Author's Note at the bottom of the chapter!

Chubs and Isadora: Baby, its Cold Outside

Isadora: I really can't stay...

Chubs: Baby it's cold outside!  
Isadora: I've got to go away...

Chubs: Baby it's cold outside!  
Isabora: This evening has been...

Chubs: Been hoping that you'd drop in...  
Isadora: ...so very nice!

Chubs: I'll hold your hands, they're just like ice!  
Isadora: My mother will start to worry...

Chubs: Beautiful, what's your hurry?  
Isadora: My father will be pacing the floor...

Chubs: Listen to the fireplace roar!  
Isadora: So really I'd better scurry...

Chubs: Beautiful, please don't hurry...  
Isadora: Well maybe just a half a drink more.

Chubs: Put some music on while I pour!  
Isadora: The neighbors might think...

Chubs: Baby, it's bad out there!  
Isadora: Say, what's in this drink?

Chubs: No cabs to be had out there!  
Isadora: I wish I knew how...

Chubs: Your eyes are like starlight!  
Isadora: To break the spell...

Chubs: I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell!  
Isadora: I ought to say no, no, no, sir!

Chubs: Mind if I move closer?  
Isadora: At least I'm gonna say that I tried.

Chubs: What's the sense in hurting my pride?  
Isadora: I really can't stay...

Chubs: Baby don't hold out...  
Chubs and Isadora: Ahh, but it's cold outside!

Isadora: {speaking} I can't believe you suduced me in three minutes!

Chubs: What can I say? I have my ways!

Sunny to Olaf: All I Want For Christmas

Sunny: I don't want a lot for Christmas!  
There's just one thing I need.  
I don't care about the presents...  
Underneath the Christmas tree!  
I just want you for my own...  
More than you could ever know...  
Make my wish come true...  
All I want for Christmas is you!

Olaf: I don't want a lot for Christmas  
There is just one thing I need  
I don't care about the presents  
underneath the Christmas tree  
I don't need to hang my stocking  
There upon the fireplace  
Santa Claus won't make me happy  
With a toy on Christmas day  
I just want you for for my own  
More than you could ever know  
Make my wish come true...  
All I want for Christmas is you!  
Sunny: I won't ask for much this Christmas...  
I won't even wish for snow!  
I'm just gonna keep on waiting  
Underneath the mistletoe  
I won't make a list and send it  
To the North Pole for Saint Nick  
I won't even stay awake to  
Hear those magic reindeer click  
'Cause I just want you here tonight  
Holding on to me so tight  
What more can I do?  
Baby all I want for Christmas is you!

Olaf and Sunny: All the lights are shining  
So brightly everywhere!  
And the sound of children's  
Laughter fills the air  
And everyone is singing  
I hear those sleigh bells ringing  
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need  
Won't you please bring my baby to me?  
Oh, I don't want a lot for Christmas  
This is all I'm asking for  
I just want to see my baby  
Standing right outside my door  
Oh I just want him for my own  
More than you could ever know  
Make my wish come true  
Baby all I want for Christmas is you!

Sunny: {speaking} Mean it?

Olaf: Hell, no! I've got to get back to Esme! I have to heat her eggnog!

Sunny: Sicko!

Violet: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

The Baudes: Elmira got run over by a bullet!  
Standing up to Olaf, Christmas Eve!  
You can say there's no such thing as evil!  
But as for us and Poe, we believe!  
She'd been swiming in crap!  
And we'd begged her not to go!  
But she'd been hit with a pot!  
So she she died like a sow!  
When the cops found her Christmas mornin'!  
At the scene of the attack,  
There was a bullet hold in her forehead,  
And incriminatin' crap marks on her back.  
Chubs: Elmira got run over by a bullet!  
Standing up to Olaf, Christmas Eve.  
You can say there's no such thing as evil,  
But as for us and Poe, we believe.  
Now we're all so proud of Poe,  
He's been takin' this so well.  
See him in there watchin' with his his eggnog!  
Flying a sleigh across the southern bog!  
It's not Christmas without Elmira.  
All the family's dressed in black.  
And we just can't help but wonder:  
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?  
Sunny: Elmira got run over by bullet!  
Standing up to asshat, Christmas Eve.  
You say there's no thing as evil,  
As for us and Poe, we believe!  
Now the sleigh is in sky!  
And the reindeer are sick!  
And blue and silver tophat!

That would match the hair in Elmira's wig.

Mr. Poe : Drummer Boy

Mr. Poe:

Come they told me  
Pa rum pum pum pum  
A new born King to see,  
Pa rum pum pum pum  
Our finest gifts we bring  
Pa rum pum pum pum  
To lay before the King  
Pa rum pum pum pum  
Rum pum pum pum  
Rum pum pum pum  
So to honor Him  
Pa rum pum pum pum,  
When we come.  
I've brought a drum!

I own a bank!  
Pa rum pum pum pum  
I have no gift to bring  
Pa rum pum pum pum  
That's fit to give our King  
Pa rum pum pum pum  
Rum pum pum pum  
Rum pum pum pum  
Shall I play for you!  
Pa rum pum pum  
On my drum!

Duncan and Violet: The Weather Outside

Duncan: Oh the weather outside is frightful,  
but the fire is so delightful!

Violet: And since we've no place to go,  
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!  
Duncan: It doesn't show signs of stopping,  
and I've brought some corn for popping!  
Violet: The lights are turned way down low...  
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!  
Duncan: When we finally kiss goodnight,  
How i'll hate going out in the storm!  
Violet: But if you'll really hold me tight,  
all the way home i'll be warm!  
Duncan: The fire is slowly dying,  
and, my dear, we're still good-bying,  
Violet: But as long as you love me so,  
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

Entire Cast: Joy to the World

All: Joy to the world! The Lord is Come!

Starloff: Let Earth recieve her king!

Mrs. Pierce: Let everyone...

Mr. Snicket: Prepare him room!

Petrovich: Repeat the sounding joy!

Esme: Repeat the sounding joy!

Olaf: REPEAT! Repeat the sounding joy!

Violet: Joy to the world!

Chubs: Our savior's come!

Sunny: All nature bow before!

Duncan: All nature!

Isadora: All nature bow before!

A/N: And now, as we close Book Two I introduce your old friend, Plot Murderer #1!

Did you think I would quit this series? Just because I didn't do most of the work doesn't mean I would quit. In fact, I already have all sorts of goodies set up for Book 3! As well as many other side stories! I'M BACK FOLKS!

Yep, Plot Murderer #1 is back, and we shall immediately begin work on Book Three which will parody the twelfth book. Hence, we shall call it 'The Third Peril'!

Questions that will be answered in Book Three:

What will become of the Baude-Quag relationships?

Will Sunny and Olaf repent?

Will Carmelita ruin Duncan and Violet's relationship?

Will Mr. Poe finally have a big role?

All these questions and more will be answered in the next installment of…A SERIES OF QUEER EVENTS!

THE END

Book 3 Coming Next Friday!:)


End file.
